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Physical Description

The exact physical dimensions of me are currently unknown, but I strongly suspect that I am approximately 64 years of age, 5 feet and 4 inches tall and hairy in all the wrong places. I wear two monocles, a pocket sundial and, on special occasions, a wig. But most importantly, I use a cane.

(Pocket Sundial)

Favorite Song

My favorite song is "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men. It is very deep to me. The symbolism of letting dogs out is very profound. It also shows how important it is that dogs have bones. However, you can see that "dog" definitely means "serf" and "bone" implies "lord." I am to King Claudius as a dog is to a bone. The dog serves the bone and acts on its every whim. Try substituting those words on the fly, and you will quickly see how the meaning of the lyrics transforms from a simple ditty about dogs to a bottomless ocean of significance. Here are the lyrics:

Who Let the Dogs Out?


Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, and woof)?


When the party was nice, the party was jumping (Hey, Yippee, Yi, Yom)
And everybody having a ball (Hah, ho, Yippee Yi Yon)
I tell the fellows "start the name calling" (Yippee Yi Oyo)
And the girls report to the call the poor dog show down


Rap 1:

I see your little speed boat head up our coast, she really wants to skip town
Get back off me, beast off me, get back you flea-infested monger



Say, A doggy is nothing if he doesn’t have a bone all doggies hold your bone, all doggies hold it (x2)

Rap 2:

Wait for y'all my dogs, the party is on, I’ve got to get my girl I got my mind on
Do you see the rays coming from my eye? What could you be, friend?
Is that Banjo man that’s breaking them down? My white short shorts and me
And I can't seek a lot, any canine will do, I'm figuring that's why they call me faithful
'Cause I'm the man of the land, when they see me they do…ah-boohoo (howl)

Chorus (5x)

Favorite Movie

My favorite movie is The Cider House Rules. That Tobey guy is so hot! And I love the journey self-discovery and the pregnant girlfriend. I can totally relate to that. From The Cider House Rules, I learned that the cider home is where the heart is. I should really spend more time with my son and my cider. Now Laertes has gone off to Paris to engage in his own journey of self-discovery and pregnant girlfriends. Here’s a picture of The Cider House Rules so you can see how it is about self-discovery. The projector symbolizes the shedding of light on subjects such as love and cooking.

Favorite Book

My favorite book is Jurassic Park. I think dinosaurs are really neat and interesting (but I didn’t like the movie!). The theme of corrupt humanity really hit home for me. But I would prefer if it took place in the Cretaceous Era. Then we could call it "Cretaceous Park." The dinosaurs remind me of Hamlet, as they insanely break out of their cages and wreak havoc on Jeff Goldblum (middle).

Top 10 Reasons Why Family Reunions Are A Drag

  1. Fortinbras always shows up after the party ends with a pole.
  2. Claudius always gets killed.
  3. The gravedigger chokes on Dip d’Os.
  4. We always have to hose Ophelia down after charades.
  5. Robin Williams shows up uninvited.
  6. Rosencrantz arrives in train conductor attire, with a caboose yet.
  7. Guildenstern whistles "Hamster Dance" during prayer.
  8. Horatio brings a pineapple instead of an escort.
  9. The ghost keeps swearing at everybody else for using this joke over and over…
  10. Hamlet always sits in the punchbowl.

The worst part is that everybody knows my hiding places (behind the curtains).


Hamlet is a drunken murderous murderer. Look at him in this exclusive photo: his hair is all teaseled, his eyes are dilated and red, he smells of whiskey, his shirt is ruffled and his tie is loose. Every time he kills me, I get very anonymous with him. You can see why he is always abusing my favorite family member…

Favorite "Family" Member

My favorite family member is my daughter Ophelia. She is quite hot, as you can see from the picture (she looks something like Claire Danes and her mother). She is also smart and funny. Unfortunately, she has a weakness for Hamlet and pudding, but she is easy to control. And pudding is easy to make.

Dreams and Aspirations

When I grow up, I want to be a fireman. When I am a fireman, I can rescue cats from trees and climb on shingles of houses. When I was young, I had shingles. It was a horrible time in my life. My mother and I became really close. I wish I could see her again. Maybe I’ll hire a painter to bring her back to life. I could put her above the mantle and invite friends over to play darts on her well-etched bodice. Perhaps I should get into the dart business. I hear that prospects are good in the summer months, although it would take time away from my fishing. Oh, how I love to fish. Last year I bought a brand new rod from Mal-Wart. Top of the line, that rod is. I’ll go fly-fishing in the castle moat and see if I can catch me a lunker! Oh, what joy!

Favorite Quote

"And I have [the action figures] both on my shelf, along with the first Jurassic Park. The three of them talk to each other during the night."

- Jeff Goldblum